If I Never Knew You Trilogy Bundle Read online

  "Are you sure?" Andy asked. I stared at him for a second and I slowly nodded. "Oh, Madison!" He hugged me again. "Does he know?"

  "No," I said quickly.

  I knew he was thinking about Damian, while I was talking about Orion. My brother stepped back and looked at me. "Who's the dad?"

  "I'm thinking Orion. The doctor said it was two months and two months ago I was with Orion."

  "So what are you going to do?"

  "I don't know. I really don't know." I looked down, rubbing my arms. "I need to speak to Mom when she gets back and I also want to speak to Orion about it, but I haven't decided how I'm going to handle Damian."

  Just then, I noticed Andy's black eye. I guess I had been too busy to notice in the restaurant.

  "What on earth happened to you?" I queried.

  "I got into a fight with some guy who was saying shit about your reputation when you were in school and I got suspended for a week," Andy admitted sheepishly.

  "I knew you didn't like people talking bad about me, but to beat up some guy? That explains the black eye then, huh?" I was secretly very proud of Andy for defending my character, even if it meant getting into big trouble at school. But I have to admit that most of the rumors had truth in them. Often I made poor choices and the gossip followed, especially in my senior year. Now, however, I had a much more serious issue to make a decision about.

  That evening, when I came home, I told Mom about the baby. Being a gentle soul, she merely shrugged her shoulders and bravely offered to look after the baby while I worked at the restaurant. I don't even think she seemed surprised. I guess when life has gotten you down for so long, nothing can seem too bad. She told me that Orion should be informed and she expressed her desire that Orion and I marry. However calloused she was, she was a traditional, old-fashioned-kind-of-Mom at heart. I understood her wish, but I told her that Damian and I had to settle things first and that Orion might not even want to marry me, after everything that happened.

  Jen made me take things easy for the rest of the week. She even popped in on her days off during my afternoon shift to make sure. I didn't know if I was happy about it, or if it annoyed me.

  CHAPTER FOURTEEN

  I USUALLY ENJOYED the end of April and the beginning of May, but this year it didn't seem as beautiful as usual. I was still feeling pretty bad most days, I had not dealt with Damian-I never was good dealing with people in a serious way-and Orion was constantly on my mind. So, I did what I always did when I felt pressured-I tried to escape from reality. I thought it would be nice to visit Andy at school one day after my boss suggested I take a day off to relax. Andy's suspension was over so he would be there. If I was right, he would be on his spare period. A few of his other friends had a spare period at that time, too. They usually sat outside on the bleachers by the football field.

  Sure enough, when I got around the building and looked, they were on the bleachers playing cards. I smiled and climbed up the side of the bleachers so as not to give myself away. None of the boys noticed me, so when I came up behind Andy and jabbed him in the sides, they all jumped and he spun around, ready to throw a punch, but stopped quickly and threw his arms around me in a hug.

  "Madison!" he said, along with a few of the boys. They all knew me from various times they had come to the restaurant, or from when I had come to meet Andy at school.

  "Hey guys," I said.

  "What are you doing here?" Andy asked. He let go of me. "Is everything okay?"

  "Yeah, fine." I said, telling him with my eyes that this wasn't the time to talk about anything, like my pregnancy.

  He nodded and I joined the guys in a card game before their classes switched. Andy told me that the principal was gone for the rest of the day, so I smiled before and went to the office to get a visitor's pass. I walked around the school, peeking in on classes and talking to the teachers I liked who weren't teaching. I joined the boys in the cafeteria at lunch time and then walked around some more in the afternoon. I even wound up peeking in on my old music teacher, Ms. Maitland. She made me stay the rest of the last period and help her with the class.

  "So, how do you get home every day?" I asked, standing outside of the school with my brother at the end of the day.

  "That way," Andy said, pointing down the street. I looked down and saw Orion in his car zooming up the road. I bit my lip.

  "Are you going to go back to his place?" Andy asked me.

  "He won't be home until at least six or seven and he thinks I'm working today," I said. Andy's eyes went wide for a moment and he nodded.

  "So you wanna come home for a bit, then?" he asked. I chewed on my lip, and looked at the car as it stopped in front of us. I didn't know what to do. Andy glared at me, waiting for a decision. I guess he normally drove home, because Orion got out of the car to let him drive. I don't think expected that it was me standing next to my brother, but he sure look surprised when he saw me there.

  "Madison," Orion said, finally. I couldn't figure out how he was feeling by the sound of his voice and that made me frown. He looked at Andy. "So, what's going on?"

  "Not sure yet," Andy said. "I think Madison's having an internal battle."

  I glared at him and punched him hard in the arm.

  "Ow, that actually hurt!" Andy complained.

  "And you thought it wouldn't?" I asked, smiling devilishly. I took a deep breath and looked at Orion. "Would it be alright if I came too?"

  "Sure, fine by me," Orion replied. A smile appeared on his face for a second, but it quickly went back to neutral.

  I really had to talk to him. I looked in my purse at the folded up pieces of paper in there. I had to give those to him as well and that was something I didn't think I could just drop off at the house.

  "You can sit in the front," Andy said, proud that he could show me his new driving skills.

  "Don't be trying anything now, Mister," I warned.

  "Me? No-never," Andy said, innocently. I laughed at him and he got into the driver's seat. I got into the front and Orion went to the back seat.

  "So any special stops we want to make on the way then?" Andy asked. We shook our heads. Neither Orion nor I spoke while Andy drove away from the school. "Alright then, let's go straight home."

  It seemed like old times, almost. As soon as we got to the house, Andy went to his room, saying that he was going to do some homework, leaving me and Orion alone. We sat in silence for a few moments before Orion said something about dinner and went downstairs to the kitchen. I flipped through the TV to see if there was anything good on before I went into the kitchen to help Orion. Orion was sautéing some ground beef. I watched him add macaroni and sauce and put a lid over the food he was cooking. Then he turned to me while I was busy making a tossed green salad.

  "I'm sorry, Orion," I said, staring into the salad bowl.

  "I saw you," Orion said.

  I tilted my head. "What?"

  "That night at the club. What did you think of our songs?"

  "I wanted to cry. Hell, I did cry," I laughed a little, "I saw you cry, too."

  "Oh, I wasn't crying," Orion said.

  "Oh, you so were!" I said, teasing him. "God, how can we do this?"

  Orion checked on the food. He spent a few minutes stirring and adjusting the seasoning before he answered, "Do what?"

  "Be this way," I said. "After what I said to you..."

  "You didn't say anything," Orion said. "But you did a lot. You have been avoiding me for a long time. I don't know why you would rather be with that asshole, Damian, than with me."

  "I know that!" I said, snapping. "God, I know that well. I don't need someone else pointing it out to me. I'm a crappy person, okay? I spend more time at work than I do with my brother, who obviously thinks I've begun to abandon him like our father." I was crying now. "And I let my stupid, messed up boyfriend pick on him. And I spend more time around someone I hate than I do making sure that my mom is okay, when she watching my aunt die with cancer. And...and..." I couldn't go on
. It was just too painful. Andy had to have heard me, too-I was screaming. I did the only thing I could-I sank to the cold ceramic floor of the kitchen and leaned against the cupboards behind me.

  He did nothing. Orion just stood there, watching me cry my eyes out. He was badly hurt by my recent behavior and his indifference was his way of getting back at me.

  Suddenly, my stomach felt like an iron hand had gripped it. I was used to the feeling by now-this morning sickness that happened all fucking day. But it was worse now, for some reason. I could make it, I thought. I'd been through this once before when I got pregnant in my junior year, which led to an abortion most people were not aware of. I quickly scrambled to my feet and bolted out of the kitchen, up the stairs and into the bathroom, where I hastily emptied the contents of my stomach into the toilet.

  That got Andy's attention. It was probably the pounding of my feet, followed by the gagging noises I was now making.

  "Madison?" Andy called my name while coming into the bathroom.

  It took me a few seconds before I could sit back and lean on the garbage can to rub my eyes so I could get a clearer vision of my brother.

  "It's just the sickness stuff," I admitted.

  "Yeah, right!" Andy said.

  He knelt next to me and rubbed my shoulder. Strangely, he was younger than me, but now he was the one taking care of me . With me being pregnant, it felt secure knowing that my little brother would step up to the plate and help me out, particularly when I was so sick. What a great uncle he will be! I thought to myself. I could see him being nurturing and gentle with a little child.

  Andy pulled my hair out of the way and found a way to tie it up before he rubbed my back. We heard footsteps and Andy stood up as I sat back. Orion appeared in the doorway with a worried look on his face.

  "Dear Lord, Madison! You sound awful! Is there anything I can do, Mad?

  "Orion, I'm so glad you're here. I feel awful!" With that, I felt the need to throw up again, which I promptly did, even though there wasn't much left in my stomach.

  Andy gave Orion a scornful look, "Well, I'm glad you're here to show her you care, too. She really needs your support now, because despite what anyone says, she cares for you more than she will ever admit. As for you, you can't say you don't fucking love her because I know you do! You talk about her constantly. And when you're not talking about her, I know you're thinking about her. Even the people in the audience at your shows can tell that you're insane about her."

  I was pretty sure they had forgotten I was there. Most of this information was new to me, but it didn't really seem to upset me. On the contrary, it made me admire the man Andy was becoming even more.

  "And now she's throwing up because you've upset her, and that's never good for a pre-" I kicked him in the leg. "OW! Madison!"

  "You promised," I reminded Andy.

  "Oh, sorry," Andy apologized, remembering now. Orion frowned as if trying to put this all together.

  Andy helped me up. Orion's eyes fell to where I had subconsciously put my hand on my stomach. It was still fairly flat, thankfully, or this would have been even more awkward. Sooner or later, my tummy would give away my maternal state and I would need to face Orion with the truth. For now, I preferred to keep it to myself.

  "Is something burning?" Andy asked suddenly, sniffing the air.

  "Oh shit!" Orion shouted, turning and running out of sight. Andy followed after him.

  I took a few minutes to brush my teeth and wash the puke taste out of my mouth. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth that I found in my room. I walked out of the bathroom and across the hall into my room.

  It was the same way I had left it that morning. The covers of the bed were still hanging to the floor and the bottom drawer of my dresser was jutted out like the dresser was sticking out it's tongue at me. A few articles of clothing peppered around the room, here and there. The book of my drawings was sitting open on my pillow, right where I had left it. I slowly moved around my room, putting things neatly where they should be. I picked up my sketch book and desperately wanted to take it with me, but my drawings would be hard to explain to Orion. Fresh tears began to form in my eyes as I sat on my bed and flipped through the drawings.

  I jumped when I saw Orion standing just outside the door.

  "I have to say this, Madison," Orion said.

  "Why?" I interrupted him. "Is it because you feel guilty? Because saying whatever you're going to say will free your conscience so you can go back to your normal life?" Orion looked at me angrily. I stood up and dropped my book on the bed. "I don't want to hear what you have to say if it is just gonna be some emotionless garbage that will make you feel better about yourself."

  He crossed the room and towered over me. I would have stepped back if he hadn't put his arm around my waist, pulled me against him and kissed me. I struggled for a moment, but it was useless so I relaxed in his hold. He pulled away and gently put his forehead against mine. I didn't open my eyes and I wasn't sure if he did or not.

  "Don't go back to him," Orion whispered. "Please don't go back.

  We need you. Your mom needs you, Andy needs you and, most of all, I need you."

  I opened my eyes and stared at his blurry silhouette through the tears. I made a noise that was half laugh-half sob when I saw that he was crying as well.

  "You can't go back to him, Mad." He slid his hands over my arms and I flinched as they ran over my bruises. Orion lifted his head to examine me in my long sleeved shirt and jeans. "What's he done to you, that bastard?"

  I answered as best I could at that moment. I told him that Damian had gotten drunk one evening and had lost his temper at something I said. I left out that it was about me mentioning that I liked Orion's music. That of course drove Damian crazy enough to hurt me. After he roughed me up, I was angry at myself that I had mentioned Orion, so, in a sense, I forgave Damian for his actions, which was probably a stupid thing to do. Orion was right when he said that there was absolutely no reason for Damian to hurt me physically like that and I should have broken up with him right away. I just didn't know how to extricate myself from Damian without causing any more pain and suffering.

  After a few minutes, I glanced at my clock radio. It was nearly seven o'clock. God, I had been throwing up for a long time. There was no time to eat the dinner that Orion had prepared. He would have to eat it with Andy.

  "I have to go," I said, quickly.

  "What?" Orion asked.

  I shook my head and went around him and down the stairs. Andy watched as I put on my shoes and grabbed my purse. Orion came down the stairs, as I opened it and held out the papers to him.

  "What's this?" he asked.

  "I...I thought your band could use this," I said. Orion frowned slightly and took them from me. "I do need a ride, if you don't mind, please."

  "To his place?" Orion asked.

  "To work," I said. Both him and Andy raised their eyebrows. "He thinks I'm working, so he's expecting to pick me up there."

  "Okay...Let's go," Orion said, putting on his own shoes.

  I hugged Andy tightly and whispered thanks to him for not saying anything to Orion. He wouldn't let go of me and I had to pinch him to get away. I refused to look at him because I knew he would give me that damned puppy dog pout of his that made me agree to anything.

  "I'll see you soon, kiddo," I said, having no idea if there was any truth in that.

  The ride was silent and Orion stopped me from getting out of the car when he arrived at the restaurant. He turned the car off and I watched him fumble with the key ring before holding out a key to me.

  "What's this for?" I asked.

  "The car," Orion said. I looked at him. "That was the gift for you and Andy. If you ever need it for any reason, just ask."

  I knew he was saying more than that. He was saying if I ever needed him , then I should just ask. Orion loved his car and it was, as I had come to learn, pretty much an extension of him. I gave him a smile and thanked him softly before putting the
key onto my own key ring and remarking about it being the first car key on there. Then, after a quick glance around the parking lot, I got out of the car and went into work without saying anything else but goodbye. I went through to the back, where I was allowed to sit for the next couple of hours. I helped with the dishes, but that was pretty much all the work the girls allowed me to do.

  CHAPTER FIFTEEN

  NEITHER ANDY NOR I saw or spoke to Madison much for the next few days, since she had decided to stay at Damian's for a while. I could not imagine what she was thinking. She was a secretive type of girl who rarely opened up about her life.

  At this point, Andy had gotten more and more upset. I tried to distract myself with what Madison had given me: a new song. It was not just the lyrics, but the sheet music too. I knew she could write this stuff, but I didn't know she was so musically talented. Needless to say, I was impressed. The words, at first, seemed like they would go with a slower beat, but when I put it all together-the hard beat of the music and the accompanying lyrics-it all seemed to fit.

  About four days after I had been given the song, I already had it memorized and found myself humming it on a regular basis at work and while cooking. However, although I should have, I didn't really allow myself to think of what Madison was going through right now. I knew if I did, then I would take out my anger on just about anything, but mainly on Damian. Who knew what that jerk would do next? Unfortunately, he had a tough group of friends that no one wanted to mess with, including me. Otherwise, I would have gone over and kicked his teeth through the back of his head weeks ago. I had to do something soon, though.

  One night I was at Andy's when he seemed to be the most anxious and frantic he'd been since Madison left.

  "You alright?" I asked, sitting next to him on the couch.